Baby Bean

Two Christmases ago, my sister Danielle, gave me and my other sister, Kami, necklaces from Tiffany. Each pendant was the Tiffany bean. I am Big Bean, Danielle is Middle Bean, and Kami, is Little Bean.

Today Dr. Fang gave me Baby Bean.

At the beginning of her examination, she declared as she poked around with her rubber gloved covered hand, "There's definitely something going on in there!"

Dr. Fang then rolled a condom (something that would've come in handy about 8 weeks ago), onto a dildo like device and proceeded to probe around. On the monitor we saw lots of gray things that she pointed out like a tour gude, "On your left we have your uterus...". I'll spare you the rest of the details.

John said he was never so happy to be a man.

Then we saw a black void, with a little bean floating around inside. She pointed out the head, and I have to admit, it was the same size as the body. Definitely our kid.

And then there was a flashing blip. Dr. Fang said that was the heart. Omigod, we actually are pregnant.

Valentine's Day Gift

John came home on Valentine's Day. By this time, rationality had set in, and I was considering that there could be an outside chance that the test was in fact working. We had one last test remaining, so we tried it again.

John logged on to the ept website to read the directions, and I went to go pee on the stick. Again, we waited the two minutes. Again the perpendicular lines popped up, threatening to be a plus sign.

"See! It's inconclusive! The horizontal line is fuzzy!", I insisted.

"Um, honey. That is a plus. ", John corrected, "the directions say that the lines might not be the same color, but if there is a vertical line at all, then it's positive."

"Um Really? Holy Shit."

After that, neither one of us remembers what happend. We probably both fainted.

Disbelief

"What the hell is that smell?", I screamed as John chomped on a grilled ham and cheese from Panera Bakery while driving to our friends Verner and Eva's. I've never smelled anything so foul, or so I thought. I could feel the contents of my stomach rise. After arriving at Verner and Eva's, we visited and played with their son, Nick. Soon after, the boys went to get us lunch and there was that god awful smell again, only worse. Eva had ordered a grilled portabello mushroom sandwich. I nibbled on a salad and concentrated on not puking on their dining table. That would be rude.

Once back in the car, John turned to me and said, "You're pregnant".

"You're crazy. I couldn't possibly be", I assured him, "I just had my period."

"Oh yeah, when?"

"Just, um, uhh, hmmm, well, 1, 2, uh... 6 weeks ago", I guessed, "No, it couldn't be. I'm never on time."

Later that night....
I flew home while John stayed in LA for work. John's prediction was still bugging me, so I got out a pregancy test that my friend, Monette, had left at my house. Being the practical chinese, I kept the leftover tests, but since it took up too much room, I threw away the box and directions.

After peeing on the stick and managing not to get any on my hand, I waited to see what was supposed to happen. After a few minutes, and me logging into the ept website, a pair of perpendicular lines materialized. They horizontal line was fuzzy and blurry, so surely this means the test was inconclusive. If it were a plus, it would be bold, right? I mean pluses have one horizontal line, not several fuzzy ones, right? RIGHT?

If I can't read a bloody plus or minus, how am I supposed to raise a child? So I jumped in the car, went to Border's and bought every book on pregnancy I could find. 1 hour and $150 later, I still couldn't find anything about that damn fuzzy horizonal line.